YAYayaySYAYAYATLAKJSFDLSKJFYAy!! advanced camp is so rad except it's scary as hell!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEomg yeah it's like the only rad thing i've done all summer. teehee jen almost made me and jazz take this course but then we only did it one jump at a time b/c he's a moron but i still love him. he's just a big cuddly moron and i luv him to death (i'm talking about a horse stoopiid)(lol). this is going to be the BEST WEEK EVER. every day we get to go jumping and we did the coolest little course today that was line, diagonal line, diagonal line, line. it was awesome. on friday we go to the pines and GUESS WHAT? JAZZ CAN COME!!!! we get to trailor him up and go over all this rad shit!! then one day we get to learn how to be a horse massuse and then one day jen is taking us up and each of us gets to buy a new jump for the ring!!! WEEEEEEeomg!!!!!! WoOooOoO!!
*runs in small circles going crazy*YayYayYasyasyayayayayaya!!!! it's so rad it's just me, CJ, lizzie, and whitney riding w/ jen. GOOD TIMES!!

yeah so alyssa came over the other day and we were talking about people we miss that have moved away and shit. i miss so many people (don't you love how i am totally bipolar and can switch moods like that?!)(u know u loooove me... lol)it was really depressing. i had this friend derek billings when i was little (like... preschool/kindergarten)and then he moved away to marloborough and i moved here to crap-ass durham, and we've only ever seen each other once since (i think he thought i was a bit of a loony). once i wrote him a letter but he didn't write back, so i gave up. we used to do so many weird things when we were little. once we found this big piece of quartz and we were convinced it was a diamond so we hauled it out of the woods to him house. once we painted with shaving cream all over EVERYTHING. lol. all these odd old memories keep popping up. and that one time i was napping when he came over so he went and pulled flowers out of my garden and gave them to me. w/e. lol. and then there's luke flanagan who i was friends w/ in 1st grade. i told him once that i thought i was an alien. and olivia clause. she was pretty cool too. when we were in first grade we used to pretend we were kittens. lol. and i still miss tyler who i met at camp 2 yrs ago. who else do i miss. oh yeah, there was this kid named sean who was on my bus in 1st grade but then moved to middletown, i think he was 2 yrs older than me, but he was like the coolest guy ever and i still miss him. we had these whole huge conversations about all this serious stuff. he kind of reminds me of jeff sometimes... but better. nicer. not such an ass. i also miss my arch-nemesis ted clark because it was so funny how people used to compare our grades and stuff; that whole word-masters crap was funny as hell because every guy in my class told me i had to beat him on the final thing. lol. i miss zak a shitload too, right before he left we'd have these big long conversations on IM about life and people and family, it was really cool. i miss people that never really left either.

i've decided i have a hard time letting go of things. i can't just let people leave. i have to beg them to stay, or at least secretly wish it. i.. idk. i don't like it when people that i like leave. i become attatched.

i miss jeff sometimes, believe it or not. sometimes he was really smart and we'd have the best conversations, sometimes he was so caring. it just felt so nice to know that no matter what someone loved me. at least i thought they did. but i see i was wrong. why didn't i listen to megan??? why didn't i listen to myself? i think i knew somewhere behind all that mess that he was using me. what an ass. i hope he burns in hell.

now i can't really think of what to say. getting angry muddles up my mind like that. *sigh* *starts spinning around in chair*

i love summer. i have almost succeeded in completely removing myself from all society (not including the stables). sometimes i hate people so much, even my really good friends. it's all so complicated, and i'm always alyways in the middle of everything. it seems like during the year i can't seem to get a break. even just trying to wrestle my state of mind to a presentable point in the morning is such a hastle. it's like i'm always worrying, who am i going to be today? who will i fight with today? who do i have to talk to? how close to the end of my rope am i today? in the summer it's like, get up, gag down food, throw on jeans, go to the stable. nothing more. nothing less. no worrying, well except maybe how jen is going to torture us next with jumping exercises (lol), but that's about it. people just annoying me. horses are so straight-forward. they go, they stop. they're pissed as hell,they're happy. they listen, they buck. you're just along for the ride. you don't even have to solve their problems or listen to them whining about implausibilities, or dreams, or being wishy-washy. if they don't want to do it, they stop. if it's ok, they go. no limboing over which way to go.

i guess it's dinner now